Three and a half years ago, in 2017 – I didn’t believe the dawn would ever come. I was just getting out an on and off again 12-year abusive relationship, and I was in a bad way.
I was 80 lbs overweight, living in a motel room, passively suicidal and without direction or purpose. Working on myself felt very difficult to SEE; it felt intangible to me. So, my therapist at the time, recommended that I find a project; something to build or rebuild, “an outward sign of inward progress.” And I knew right away what I wanted to do.
You see, all my life I had always wanted to be nomadic. I am an artist; an aspiring author; a songwriter and professional musician. I`ve travelled to dozens of countries alone, and al – ways felt most alive when on the road. But throughout my life, whenever I was just about to leave; to take that job over – seas or move to L.A. or join that caravan of wanderers, I al – ways chose someone else – family, friends, boyfriends – and let them clip my wings.
So, it was in 2013, when my boyfriend and I split (he was an addict with mental health issues – we’d met at 16, and re – connected years later), that I decided that NOW would be the time to fly away. I worked my butt off, sold all my belongings, bought a camper van, finished my 3rd studio album, and headed to L.A to meet with industry executives before beginning life on the road.
But while I was at that convention; tragedy struck. My ex-boyfriend, called me that night – he said just 3 sentences before hanging up. The next day, I learned that he had walked into traffic during a relapse and had sustained a severe traumatic brain injury. But those 3 sentences – sent me to his side.
I flew to be with him – to say goodbye – forgoing my plans, and the camper van. That night, he squeezed my hand. He had no one to care for him – and I knew he would’ve been a vegetable if I didn’t care for him myself. So I became his full-time nurse, teacher, caregiver, therapist for 4 years. I sold the camper van and spent it on his recovery. I stopped performing music. I became a magnificent robot.